Flea markets, cockroaches, prawns and alsations

While I was living in Paris my brother Stephen met the woman he was destined to marry. What better way to woo her than whisk her away for a romantic weekend in the City of Light? Unfortunately for her, his pay didn't quite run to the George V hotel, or any other for that matter, but he could afford the coach/ferry fare for both of them, and he asked if I would put them up. I warned him it wouldn't be romantic, as I lived in a studio and we'd all have to sleep in the same room.

My mother was delighted. She didn't approve of sex before marriage (or after it, according to my father) so she was confident that there would be no 'hanky-panky' with me sleeping mere feet away.

'Tell her I have cockroaches, if you're really worried,' I said. 'That'll make sure she keeps her knickers on.'

Of course, I didn't expect my mother to tell my future sister-in-law this, but mothers never do what you expect them to, do they?

Wanting to make a good impression and ensure they had a good time, I took them to the flea market at the Porte de Clignancourt on day one. We had a great time rummaging around the stalls and stands and after a happy couple of hours decided it was time for lunch. This is when the trouble started. The café we chose was a very popular one and they had run out of tables outside in the sun, but I appealed to the owner's national pride: it was the first time I had met my brother's girlfriend - the only time I'd met one of his girlfriends, so I knew she was special to him. I wanted them both to enjoy their brief visit to Paris and I'd selected his café and we'd all be just devastated if we couldn't have lunch on the terrace.

My plan worked. The owner carried another table and three chairs outside. Unfortunately he put it down where his huge alsation used to relax in the sun. The alsation was not happy at being ousted, and sat by Sarah's leg, glaring at her and salivating. Sarah is afraid of alsations ...

To her credit, she only whimpered a bit, and after another word with the café owner, the dog was dragged inside and Sarah relaxed and ordered her first course. Being British, she ordered prawn cocktail. Being France, the prawns were shell-on. The dish was placed in front of her with several pairs of beady eyes staring at her and she went white. Sarah is afraid of shell-on prawns ... it's the eyes and antennae that freak her out.

While she went to the bathroom, my brother and I started to peel the prawns for her but she was back before we had finished. She was holding her hand in the air, blood dripping from her palm. She slumped into her chair and told us that she wasn't used to 'squattez-vous', or toilettes à la Turque (the squat-and-drop holes in the ground) and had put her hands on the walls on either side to brace herself. This was a big mistake as her hand slipped on a broken tile and gashed her palm open.

Smelling blood, the alsation came and sat by her again while I went and asked the café owner, who was beginning to regret ever putting the table outside for us, if he had a first aid kit.

'No,' he said. 'We only took over last week and we haven't got around to that yet. Here, have some paper napkins.'

Poor Sarah ate her (peeled) prawn cocktail with her fork in one hand, and the other hand clenching a dozen or so white paper napkins that were slowly turning red.

What else could go wrong? Well, we had the main course to get through. Steak frites, you can't go wrong with that, surely? Especially when I told the waiter that Sarah wanted her steak bien cuit, no, more than well done, absolutely cremated. Not a drop of blood, thank you. In fact, not even pink in the middle. Brown to the point of being black all the way through, please. I could not have been clearer. The steaks arrived: Sarah cut into hers and moved back just in time to avoid a jet of blood shooting out of the middle. So much for bien cuit! I think the owner wanted to make sure we never came back... I sent her steak back with renewed instructions, even though I could see she was rapidly starting to lose her appetite. It came back, cooked to Sarah's exact specification, but the chips were cold. We gave up. We went back to my flat, Sarah's hand still swathed in bloody napkins.

After a few drinks in a local bar later that evening, Sarah started to see the funny side of it, much to my brother's relief, but when we were all tucked up in bed that night I heard Sarah whisper, 'Is it true, what your Mum said, about the cockroaches?'

'I don't know,' Stephen whispered back.

'I'm not taking any chances,' Sarah replied firmly. 'I'm keeping my pants on!'

Sarah and Stephen celebrate their twentieth wedding anniversary at the end of August this year. I asked them if they fancied going back to Paris for the occasion. The answer, in perfect unison, was a resounding No!